Sauron's Journal -
by Drathen
Summary: A minor parody, Sauron's journal. Somewhat short. Rated R for a few profanities.
1. Default Chapter

Day 1, **Mortals Tremble:**

Rings accepted by Dwarves, Elves, and Humans today. I'm still a genius, and everyone else is still idiots, it would seem.

In other news, I've decided to upgrade my image. Instead of the old fluttering lily petals on a warm summer breeze, I've decided to go for the more intimidating long-range glare of a lidless eye, wreathed with infernal flames. I think it'll do well, don't you, Journal?

Well, I must get my beauty sleep. Ta.

Day 2, **Headache Obliterates 500 Orcs:**

I had an annoying migraine this morning, and accidentally destroyed half a legion of my little green-skinned minions. 

Human kingdoms are starting to teeter, as their lords fall into the madness of their respective rings. Also, I think I've got some sort of toenail growth…

Day 28, **I Rock:**

The human lords have fallen, and became the Nazgul. At our first peptalk, they were pretty dismal, whining about how they had been transformed from vigorous living beings into shadows of the living, neither of the realm of life nor death. After I told them they'd get to run around and scare everyone for the rest of their existence, they perked right up. They seem useful, but… I…. I can't stand the smell of their horses. I think the horses _are_ dead. My dread armies continue to terrorize the lands and advance. Soon, all Middle Earth will be in my grasp. 

In other news, this ring is really starting to get annoying. Anytime I go to scratch my ass or a different _sensitive_ place, the damn trinket lights up and gives me the most awful rashes. 

Day 32, **Humans Attack, Can't Stop Laughing:**

The remaining forces of the races of middle earth have come to my precious, ash-laden hills. They haven't made much progress against my ENDLESS legions of orcs and other creatures yet… I think I'll go down there and give them a shake, tommorow.

Day 33, **One Ring Lost, Physical Form Destroyed, All Hope Lost:**

Fuck.

…I mean, a SWORD HILT? WHO AM I? A FUCKING ELF?

Will talk later, journal. Must go destroy things.

Maybe masturbate. Oh, yeah, I can't. I'm DEAD.

Day Day 950,259, **God, My Back Fucking Hurts:**

I have recovered sufficiently. Though I've tried, I can't take mortal form, yet… well, sufficient mortal form. The first time I tried I ended up as a frog with five legs, and six eyes, each the size of a goblin. I'm thinking I just need a little more time. On the plus side, my not-quite-omniscience is back and in action. I think it may be time to play "I see you…" with some old friends.

Oooooh, Saruman, wheeeeere aaaare you…

Day 950, 271, **I'm A Busy Man:**

Things are falling into place like clockwork. The ring is still missing, of course, but a former bearer of it, a pathetic wretch by the name of Gollum, has yielded his secrets to our lurvely torture chamber. I dare say, the screams were exquisite. Well, seems the ring is in the Shire, in the possession of some "Bilbo" fellow. To have discovered the ring and kept it so long, I'm sure he must be some great warrior with a sword that fells demons in one hearty swing.

Day 950, 272, **What the Fuck?**

Oh, yeah, yeah, we know exactly who the snatcher is now. And it's a HOBBIT. A HOBBIT. A bloody MIDGET has had my ring for over a hundred years. Oh, dear lord, I can only imagine what he's done to it with his filthy, hobbity fingers… Oh, the entry, right. I sent the ringwraiths after him. They were pretty happy to take mortal form again. Or sort-of-mortal form, as it turns out. They sure were making a lot of noise. Woke me straight up from my mid-day nap. 

Oh well, suppose it can't be avoided. Time to contine the rebuilding of a world-wide empire of sheer malice and hate, I suppose. My work never ends.

Day 950, 301, **I Hate Those Jerks:**

Yeah, so, I send the ringwraiths after these defenseless hobbits to retrieve my ring of godly power. And yeah, they're pretty defenseless, turns out the wizard who was with them for a short while just upped and left. Oh, sure, they were joined by a ranger.

So, then, nine lords of utter death and horror versus… four midgets and a pansy ranger. Now, in the old days, this sort of thing cleared up right away. SO WHY ARE THEY NOT DEAD? Yeah, the ringwraiths wandered back in here, all soaked, complaining that they had been caught off-guard by some elven bitch, while oggling her considerable assets. I can't believe it. They're dead, and they STILL can't forget their nonexistent libido for a damn second. This is unbelievable. I believe I may need to take more severe actions… 

Yep, time to call up Saruman the Inexplicably Creepy, I think.

Now where did I leave that damn stone…?

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	2. Saruman's Journal -

****

Day 1, **Journal Started, Tower Still Dreary, Boring:**

For lack of anything better to do, I have decided to start this journal. In other news, my tower is still dreary, boring, and thoroughly unentertaining. Other wizards haven't stopped by in a while. Think Gandalf has some sort of obsession with those midgets. 

Day 2, **Dusting off Palantir:**

Dusted off Palantir orb, hoping to catch random elven maiden during bathing. Was confronted by the dark glare of a lidless eye wreathed in infernal flame. Now dedicated to Dark Lord, Sauron. Also, my back hurts. 

Day 3, **Power Overwhelming:**

Sauron was kind enough to show me the benefits of Absolute Power, today. Never knew masturbation could be so fun. 

Will talk later, Journal. Am busy.

Day 7, **I Knew That Fucker Was Up To Something:**

Gandalf dropped by today. Turns out One Ring was right under his nose the entire time. Am beginning to wonder how he could have missed this. Furthermore, he rambled on about Sauron for a bit, until I subtly revealed my new allegiance. He tried to flee, and then, when I prevented it, got very pissed. Why must he be so dreary? Nevermind. Beat him up, then placed on top of tower, with the theory that he will be so depressed by orcs running around below him that his heart will break. Oh, orcs. Will explain tommorow, Journal.

Day 8, **BURN, FUCKERS, BURN:**

Orcs from Sauron have arrived, along with the order for me to build a big-ass army. Hey, no problem. Immediately set about ordering the orcs to cut down all trees and use them to fuel our war-machine. Because, y'know, burning trees is just downright evil.

Evil. Yeah, I never really thought I'd stoop to it, but now that I am, I have to admit its pretty damn fun. Now all I need is an elven maiden to torture, and I'd be set for life. Gandalf still whining on top of tower. Saw weird butterfly fly past. Probably just my imagination. 

Day 11, **Shit:**

I pulled a Sauron. 

Despite the fact that I had my brand-new nemesis,Gandalf the Fucking Grey, on top of my tower, he escaped. Yep, there I was beating him down and this big-ass BIRD just flew up and TOOK HIM AWAY. Damn. I think I know how Sauron felt when he got shafted.

Oh, well. Army is growing as planned. New project started. Mixing orcs with humans to create new breed of orcs, without disadvantages of normal orcs. Hah! Who's shafted now? THAT'S RIGHT, SAURON. I'M BETTER THAN YO- Oh, shit, shit, that hurts. Sorry, Sauron. Damn Palantir. Maybe I should destroy it.

In other news, Isengard looks like a real shit-hole, now. I think I like it.

Day 14, **I RULE:**

OH, YEAH. Silly Gandalf and his "fellowship" tried to take a less-than-safe route through the mountains. Nearly killed the suckers, with a neat little cantrip I learned back in the day. 

In other news, I was messing around with the Palantir again, today. Ran into a weird women in latex, who was screaming something about a dark lord, and a ring. Think I may have happened upon Sauron during his "do-not-disturb" hour…

Correction, Journal, have discovered the latex-lady was an elven queen of fell arcane power. Am starting to wonder if she'd like to hook up.

Day 21, **Hi, Uruk:**

My orc cross-breed the Uruk-Hai, the warrior orcs, are jacked up and good to go. Rather impressive specimens, if I do say so myself. Unfortunately, they show a rather dreadful propensity for grunting, pillaging, and killing, and utterly no inclination to chat with me. Oh, well. Suppose they're effective.

Sent them off after the "fellowship", who apparently have reached Lothlorien. Latex-Lady has not responded to any of my Palantir-aided come-ons. Am beginning to think she may be one of those goody-two-shoes. 

Day 25, **Mmm:**

Settling down to Palantir orb for a bit of maiden-oggling, while waiting for Uruk-Hai to report back. Am starting to worry somewhat at the delay. Surely they can't have all been slaughtered, though. I mean, we're talking about a bunch of midgets, an elf, an old man, and a pair of scruffy humans. I'm sure it'll work out fine. Aaah… Now _that_ is a nice one.


End file.
